Moment Musicaux

I’m really looking forward to payday, because there are too many things that I want to buy. And I’ve been having serious bag-envy issues of late. Oh, add iPhone-envy to that too.

Every time I begin sub-dividing my pay, my heart leaps with excitement at the possibility of fulfilling some of those wants. Then I remember my responsibilities, and the excitement goes poof. Meh.

YaWA? is recording an EP, which means about a quarter of my pay is gone. Then there’s the family, to which a half goes.

The last quarter remains for daily expenses. And of which a quarter goes to the Boy for helping me tremendously during those times of financial difficulty. Take that, kaput-envy!

On work:

It’s been a helluva experience. It’s challenging yet fun, and immense satisfaction comes when briefs are cracked and my team’s (uber juniors L and I) works are approved by the Creative Director (CD). Not bad for my first month, I say. Granted, the initial stages were a bit shaky, trying to get used to each other’s working style and swimming in the deep end without much hand-holding at all, but we pulled through in the end. We’ll be cracking on a Levis’ brief next, so that’s one more thing to be looking forward to I’m glad the CD seems pleased with us thus far.

But pity — L’s leaving for NS soon. Which means I have only that much time to secure a full-time job. Or should I look elsewhere too? I’ve made an O&M bigshot-to-be contact. Venture, venture. The future is still quite hazy…

I’m actually toying with the idea of totally giving up what I have now and plunge into an area where I’d never touch with a ten-foot pole. I can bet that among those currently in that seat, at least one or two of them are doing it for the sake of rubbing shoulders with certain figures. But this particular friend of mine has become such a fond one to me; I amaze myself by wanting to go head first into this just because it’s her.

Of course, there’s a lot more to it, so I’ll leave it to prayer. And as a simmering thought still.

• Leeched from Bonk’s blog:

"YAWA? is playing [sic] the Ballyhoo Album launch!!
Time: 19th April, 7pm
Venue: Playden, The Arts House
Price: Pay as you please or buy the CD."

• Am also playing keys and back up singing for Kevin Mathews at Timbre (Substation) tonight, so that’s some moolah and music therapy for me

• I guess I have to be even MORE on-the-ball now. Heard slips of hopeful information that I may be able to go onboard full-time, so that’s a thing to work hard towards. Can’t be complacent now… This agency is well-known for being ’boutique’ and tough to get in. The learning curve has been supremely steep, and it’s been quite a big swing, having to switch from being extremely slack to extremely tough on myself.
• I feel bad having to let up on YF sessions because of work. But work has to be my priority for now. And the next couple of years at least. It’s time for a re-evaluation…

Nit-picking. Or scallop-picking, whatever. It disappoints me to no end to read Urban’s article on how celebs, svelte as they are, have ‘unwanted bits’ like ‘turkey necks’, ‘buffalo humps’ and ‘bat wings’.

‘Unwanted’!

How will mere mortals like us ever be satisfied with our own bodies if those screen goddesses can’t live up to ’standards’? Mere mortal’s standards, ironically. What a redundant pursuit of physical perfection. Will they ever realise how impossible all these virtually are? These ‘fashionistas’ seriously don’t know how many insecure lives they’re putting in jeopardy. I have a sneaking feeling that it’s cosmetic surgeons who are putting these words in their mouths. Bah.

Come on, there are much more important things in life than becoming a humanoid bound by superlatives. Please.

Honestly, I would love to do music as a career. I wish that I worked harder on my musical abilities when I was younger — and had the financial ability to do so. Beautiful music still makes my hair stand oh-so-easily, especially when I feel the emotions that provides a canvas to this myraid of expressive colours. Musicians who passionately push for their craft are such an inspiration. Being around these people makes me want to drop everything I have and dive into their realm and personally experience this wonderful thing they gush about.

Yes, it’s still a dream to do musicals. But on the realist front, I’m thinking of going into church choir conducting. We’ll see about that when I’m more settled into my Ricebowl Industry.

Music will suffice as my hideaway and hobby for now.

GAH WHY DIDN’T YOU REMEMBER PROPERLY B-STUPID-NITALIM.

I very sad. 

Somehow, the brevity of you flying off has only just hit home — an hour after you’ve flown. I’ve been in denial about you leaving, telling myself that it’s going to be but a year and a half. I’m such an idiot. It’s DEFINITELY going to be different not having you around. I’m not going to be the one who’s going to miss your presence the most, but it still matters a lot that there won’t be another AMN1 to be retarded, make music, share secrets and stuff with. It’s never going to be the same with anyone else.

I can’t help but berate myself about being so nonchalant that you were leaving. It was denial, which explains how little I met up with you despite knowing you were flying off. For a year and a half! Who was I kidding when I thought it was going to be painless. I’m sorry that I took the departure of a friend I consider so dear this easily. Why was I still trying to hold back my tears when you were entering the departure area?

You mean much more than my stupid ego, than my asinine beliefs that crying is a sign of weakness. You’re the best thing that happened to me in 2004, do you know that? Our friendship is extremely dear to me, yes it is.

I’m still glad that you’re going to pursue your dreams and upgrade your skills, but I’m feeling the loss badly now. I’ll be okay soon, though. Life goes on, doesn’t it. :]

Do well and become a kickass journalist. And above all, take good care of yourself and stay close to God.

I’ll be missing you, Eve. 

I’ve finished Howards End by E. M. Forster. It’s a classic, so saying that it’s a very well-written book is an understatement. I liked the way he explores humanity through the characters of the book, and even seems to make self-discoveries, both disappointing and heartening ones, as he pens his thoughts into narration. This book is also one that many say is the closest to his real, personal views, so it’s no surprise that Howards End reveals Forster’s rhetorics on being able to connect and reconcile the poetic with the practical.

Thomas Hardy’s Far from the Madding Crowd is the next journey I’m embarking on. It’s quite a thick book, but for now, its writings seem far simpler than Forster’s almost-poetic Howards End.

I’ve almost forgotten where reading takes me, and it’s a nice feeling to be able to soak up the imagination of the author, to step into his shoes (or the characters’) and view the novel through the eyes of a sensitive, intellectual soul. I’m too easily influenced, yes, and as you can already see — my sentences are much longer than what I’d use to type. My train of thought has somewhat been romanticised by Howards End. Connect. Practicality has too long been holding me down, and I’m surprised to find myself a little ashamed to identify with the practical sensibility of the Wilcoxes. I wish that my senses and thoughts can once again run wild into the abandoned forest growing at the back of my mind. Of course, not yet without caution; thistles, wild animals and insects will bite and sting.

I laugh at my sillyness. Perhaps I’m not ready to put practicality away. Or maybe, not ever. Oh well.

For the love of recognition. The yearning for fame and fortune. Societal acceptance. Reaching your hand into the air, trying to be noticed and admired, wildy grasping around for the rope that will lift you up onto Man’s safety net. There, will mankind fight to see this Being they have hoisted onto the pedestal. Will you, then, still be you? When you have become yet another figment of what the world dreamt you up to be. You, are entertainment. A human sacrifice.

What good is it for a man to gain the whole world, and yet lose or forfeit his very self? - Luke 9:25

A little overdue, but here it is… 

Benita Lim – Thai Mission Trip December 2007 Reflections

After waiting for 4 years to go on a mission trip, I’m very grateful that I received many blessings prior to and during the trip. This trip was actually a birthday present from my friends and loved ones by my request. Many emotions and thoughts assaulted me throughout the course of the trip, but I’ll condense it into three main lessons that I’ve learnt.

People-relations

Living and working together with a whole group of people of different ages and backgrounds was no easy task. It trained my patience and also made me see how important teamwork and communication really is – especially in a foreign land. From the programme’s preparations to transitions between flights, it was essential that we accepted each other’s differences in personality, priorities and character and were sensitive to them. As Paul teaches us in 1 Cor 3, we’re fellow workers in God’s building. We each hold different roles in the team, and we should be responsible with our duties while carefully laying Christ’s foundation in Thailand.

Trusting God’s sovereignty

Letting go and resting in God’s power was a great lesson to learn. Through our sharings, some were disheartened that the children were restless during our activities. Some wondered if the message hit home. However, as much as the Thais were steeped in their culture, we got to see that God is the one who causes the seeds we’re watering to grow. That only He can open the eyes of the Thai’s hearts to accept Him. It’s definitely by God’s grace that the missionaries before us have planted the relational and gospel seeds among the Thais. Getting to schools (again, steeped in tradition) and being able to present God’s word to them was very much easier.

We also did something never-before-attempted in previous mission trips: Caroling in public places. We went to a popular ChiangMai night market and Big C, a hypermarket. It was interesting yet heart-wrenching, singing carols and Christian songs to many ears belonging to the lost. But it greatly encouraged us when the odd person stopped in the busy human traffic to listen to us and even sang along. These events also made us rely on faith and constant prayer as we ministered to the Thais through song and sincerity.

A trip to the biggest temple in ChiangMai further emphasized the spiritual darkness that encompasses Thailand. There were so many idols and devout Buddhists, and it pained to see them earnestly seeking for answers in all the wrong places. We gathered in silent prayer at the foot of the temple after, and once again committed Thailand to the Lord.

Thai Christians

Although we tended to make various comparisons between the Thais and the people back home, one stark observation was surely the Thai Christian’s persevering faith and love for their unsaved fellow men. This is a good reminder for us, comfortable in our multi-racial and accepting society, to open our eyes and bring back the lost around us.

I thank God for the opportunity to go on the mission trip. I must admit, however, that I didn’t fully make use of my limited time there and took things lightly. This will be something for me to take note about on future trips.

How can I be a good mentor to the youths?

Some talk about a generation gap… I think it’s not so much of a gap of years per se.

It’s about how we’ve grown OUT of it, feeling silly when looking back, and not wanting the next generation to be as silly as we were.

Yet we so often forget how hard it was for ourselves not to be silly back then. How we adamantly believed that we were right and those noisy naggy adults were wrong. Why, we knew ourselves better than anyone else. Duh. Of course we would know what’s best.

Funnily, this very fact always seems to elude us as we mature. We tuck them memories away in a little dark corner of our heads and hearts, conveniently forgetting how honestly silly we used to be and can be.

As much as we don’t like nags, we nag. Yes, because we care. Even when humans can be just so unlovable.

And I when wonder why some cared about me, the nasty kid with the nasty mouth, I realise that it is a privilege to be cared for. I’m grateful. But human pride does do a great deal in being ignorant and self-sufficient. Until we learn the hard way.

I’ll never again proclaim that I’ll never be a naggy parent in future. (Like our parents.) Really, it’s an art.

Still, there surely is a way out of this.

Like what the Boy says, I’m very very busy for a person who’s jobless. I wanted to make a nice pictorial sum-up of 2007, but I don’t think I have the patience or discipline for that now. I’ll just do a quick one and throw in my 2008 resolutions.

This year:

• YaWA? is taking off slowly and steadily =) I think my drumming has improved since a year ago, so that’s cool. Also, Eve, Inch and I formed a girl band: Echo oh oh oh!

• I’ve become a breadwinner and official CPF contributor. ZF was an eye-opener, let’s just put it as that.
• Faith CG has expanded and I thank God for these true brothers and sisters in my life, to share my life. =)
• Mentoring with Doreen… She’s a real dear.
• Thailand Mission Trip: After a 4-year wait. Finally.
• Letting my parents hear me sing (thanks to a wedding) for the first time in maybe 16 years.

• Maintain a close relationship with God.

• Watch myself on personal issues such as pride etc.
• Work towards a Christ-centered relationship with Adam (because then will all things fall into place)
• Share my faith with at least 3 people.
• Be a good daughter, girlfriend, friend, sister, sister-in-Christ, mentor, coach, leader, servant, colleague.
• Be a light for Christ.
• Improve my drumming, bass, piano and guitar. Maybe even pick up my violin again.
• Read, read and read more books! Spend less time at the computer.
• Win awards (in Advertising); save up. Work hard towards New York 2010.
• Get fit, keep fit! Play more soccer and ultimate frisbee!! AND jog. I really hope to do at least a full biathlon this year.
• Keep these resolutions.

I’m silently proud of the fact that despite all misgivings, God’s love was shown. I hope by now it’s evident that the whole world isn’t what you thought it was. Something that hasn’t happened in a long time happened today, and I really hope that this will be the turning point.

Still, my heart burns whenever this proximity decreases.

Pairings held together in the dry
Flip, flop, a nasty smear left at the rear
End of the stick, shorter of course
Snips a candle’s wick

Drip, drop, on a spot of hornet’s tea
Off the glass which children eagerly sip
Eyes shining bright

Twisted yarns to bind them strong
Smear, sneer, yes I’m sure

Meaningless.

The ModestChou sends me a link, declaring that I’m the ‘youngest’, and therefore reckless. This shows how modest he is in his knowledge of me. But I found the article interesting nonetheless, so up here it goes.

The Independent (UK) does a study on family cliches - the oldest, bossy; the middle, wayward (like me); the youngest, impulsive and reckless. Here is an excerpt:

"What kind of a person do you imagine when you think of an eldest child? Do you think of a conscientious, hard-working conformist? A proud brother or sister who shoulders responsibility – with or without encouragement? What if I were to ask you which member of your family is the most extroverted, or the naughtiest? Do you think of your younger sibling? Does the thought of a middle child conjure pictures of a tortured soul, forever torn between two extremes?" […]

This is what Oslo (+10) University’s latest study shows:

"What he found was pretty convincing evidence that it was not the fact of being born first that gave you an intellectual head-start in life; it was the actual role of being the eldest that was important. It was being reared as the eldest, rather than being born the eldest, that mattered."

I disagree with some of the findings though (probably due to cultural differences, but I too hypothesize). Still, it’s a generalisation, so not all of it should be applied to everyone per se.

Take my family for example. I can safely say that even though I’m the middle child, I don’t suffer from the Middle Child Syndrome (MCS). Nor have I as the once-youngest, felt ‘dethroned’, as modern psychologist Alfred Adler calls it. How do I explain this? My brother and I are only a year apart and my sister is six years younger.

My mom told me that the age gaps between the three of us sibilings were planned out. With our close age gap (18 months to be exact), my brother and I were companions, rather than having sibling rivalry like that of a three-year-old (that has learnt emotions and is learning to wield them) jealous of the attention his/her newborn sibling gets. We learnt together and played together, even though my mom did treat us slightly differently because of certain character traits. As for my sister, it was in consideration to the MCS. Which means that by six years old, I’ve had my fair share of being the youngest. I was past the vying-for-attention stage when my sister came along. I became the oldest girl, which is a responsibility.

Why did I become rebellious? It’s because I just liked to question authority and certain rules and ways that just didn’t make sense (then). That’s another story.

But yeah, do read the article - it’s a bit lengthy though - and see if you agree or disagree with it!

It’s been 19 hours since I last ate, and I’m feeling quite ‘high’ from the lack of food.

Why am I fasting? It’s my church’s Prayer and Fast week so my CG has decided to fast together for 24 hours (hmm I guess I started early) and pray about things that we want to committ to the Lord. Bear aptly puts it in his latest SMS to encourage us:

"It’s lunch time. Don’t forget to not eat. It’s around 13 hours of non eating, guess some of us are tempted to eat. Jesus was tempted by the devil to eat when He was fasting too. Do let us pray for each other. Fasting is indeed just an outward sign of humility, but if we are fasting with right reasons, fasting also does remind us among other reasons, that God is the One who provides us with food everyday and the One who gives us breath."

It means a lot, especially when Bear himself is the most hardcore foodie among all of us. I left my wallet back in the office today when I went to meet up with Emily and Crystal for ‘lunch’ — we ended up reminiscing — and yeah, the day seems to pass really slowly. It doesn’t help that my colleague is eating and I’m smelling the tomato sauce from her food… Still, I’ll persevere. With lots of wind from my gastric = FART hurhurhur.

Things that I’m praying about:

• New job opportunities
• Family health
• My cousin, Jia Hui
• My brother who’s studying overseas
• Adam and I
• More people to step forward to serve in church
• The Youths
• Thai Mission Trip

There are a lot more things to pray for, but I’ll focus on these points… My brain is functioning at only 20% with all the lack of food.

May all of you have a blessed weekend ahead!

I’ve finally managed to overcome the EgoBattle that had ensued within myself for a couple of weeks. It’s dumb, really, but as long as there’s any nuance of it — I have to admit to an issue that exists. Absolutely no compromise here. Thank You, God.

After reading some of my ex-coursemates’ blogs on schooling, I sometimes wish I could also go back to school. But I know that I’m in this situation not without reason and direction. Just that I’m getting… Lazy. My desire for knowledge and curiosity levels have gone down notches. And that’s not a good thing at all. Gah.

I’ve just realised how much willpower I’ve subconsciously wielded recently in order for me not to slip back into being that unfocused, free-wheeling soul I was. Actually, realising it doesn’t do much good either. It’s like a hypnotised person who has (or had) a phobia of heights walking on a tightrope, then snapping out of that hypnotic mode in mid-air. You don’t know if you’re able continue down the tightrope on such a conscious level.

It’s hard enough to manage my own life as it is – God, Church, Boyfriend, family, band, friends, work, health, etc. I’ve already observed even proper adults (both single or married) who fail to effectively juggle their priorities. And even escape them.

I can only learn from their mistakes. And not without a ton of that dratted keyword, ‘discipline’. All these for the sake of family. For the sake of my future plans.

First 2 days of keeping-fit: FAIL.

Oh well. This week has been TOO busy. My mom was amazed that I reached home at 930pm today. Yea, all the late nights have given me nothing but headaches and incoherent speech. And last minute work. Sigh.

Tomorrow morning, I shall run before church. Mark my words.

Okay fine. TRY to (wobble)run.

So I’m now officially a Dai Dee, it’s interesting to look back on the past years and marvel at how much I’ve grown. Not much, vertically, but definitely on a different scale. What’s happened has happened. It matters more that I learnt from them.

A gigantic word of thanks to my CG. I’ve requested for their present to be a love offering for the Thai mission trip, and I’m very, very touched. Touched by the bordering-on-sacrificial amount they’ve each given, even if they may not be financially well-off.

Also, I’m touched by the kind words and effort of the youths who bothered to make/get me something despite their busy school life and many other friends to care about (: It does make being a coach fulfilling! Thanks!

Plus all those who dropped me as simple as an SMS, phone call and Facebook/Friendster comment!

Last but not least, a heap load of thanks to the Boy for spending the day with a sneezy, wheezy me. Him just being with me is already a tremendous blessing. I can now say that I’ve ever dated a younger man in his teens. For 24 hours. Heh. He gave me a pair of Shure E2G earphones for my drum metronome/laptop use. I got him a pair of limited edition Jack Purcells. Talk about gift exchange! Happy birthday to you, darling!

And before anyone starts teasing me for being mushy, the most thanks goes to God. Thank You for sustaining me all these years! I’ve lived past my teenhood! YES! Hurhur.

This is probably the most emotional day I’ve had in a long time. Ironic, since it’s also the day I turn older.

I know that there’s nothing wrong with crying, but I’ve bottled this up long enough.

Kor, even though you’re seldom at home to begin with, it’s impossible to not miss someone I’ve grown up with and always looked up to. I know you’ll do well. I just pray for you to be safe. And keep your life safely close to God. Start a blog or something okay? You know you can always read my blog for updates on the family. I’ll do that.

And I’ll cry if I want to.